100th Post!!!

Damn, at first I thought 100 posts sounded like a lot, and then I realized I started this blog over a year and a half ago. Sheesh, time flies!

I guess I should reflect on the last year (especially considering how little I've updated this thing during that time). My emotions were stressed like they've never been before; I faced a bad breakup, began a new relationship, dealt with some family turmoil, and got my butt kicked by a hardcore class schedule for three semesters in a row. When I think about what I've been through during 2011, I'm actually VERY proud of myself for making it through with most of my sanity.

Now we come to 2012. I'm not one for making resolutions, but this year I think it needs to be done. I need to treat myself better. WAY better. I put myself on this pedestal all the time, like I need to be perfect 24/7; but, I don't expect perfection from anyone else, so why do I demand it for myself? I need to learn to be happy with doing my best and stop berating myself for not being a size 0 or getting A's on every.single.exam! It's so weird, because in some ways I am one of the most confident people you will meet; I don't mind stepping up in someone's face and telling them like it is. If they have something nasty to say to me, I don't hesitate to tell them to F off. BUT, at the same time, I am very insecure. I constantly think I'm not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not good enough for a lot of the things that I actually DO deserve in life, and that is sabotaging not only my self worth but also my relationships with others. DA and I have been through a lot this month, and a lot of our problems stem from my self-esteem issues. If I didn't hear from him, I automatically thought he was over me or he was out having fun without me. I knew deep down this crap wasn't true and he wasn't like that and that people DO need their space; I think part of me just doesn't think I deserve to have someone like him cuz, let's face it, I never have had someone who treats me as well as he does, and I've never felt this way about anyone I've been with before...and that terrifies me. We talked about things and they are better now, but I need to change the shitty way I treat myself. So that is the goal for 2012.

My workouts have been pretty good, up until this week because I was sick. My eating hasn't been all too great. When I get stressed, I have zero appetite so when DA and I were fighting I lost 10 pounds in a week because I hardly ate (not the way I wanted to lose weight, trust me). THEN Christmas came, we worked things out, and I ate like a freakin gavone. I didn't gain anything, but I don't feel good about eating like that and I know it's a horrible habit to have. SO, I've decided to do the whole "If I stick to these goals, I will reward myself" type of thing, since I hear it works. The goals:
1) Log in ALL eats on MFP
2) Stick to my workout schedule
3) No more late-night eating

If I do all three things for 2 weeks straight, I'm gonna buy myself this awesome nail polish I've been drooling over all weekend. After doing them for a month, I'm rewarding myself with a subscription to Oxygen magazine. And after doing them for 2 months, I'm gonna book my 1st massage EVER!! If those don't motivate me then I don't know what will.

I also decided that I need to get back into things I like doing. I think part of the problems with DA stem from me making him my entire world, and that is NOT healthy. Again, this is something I've never done with any other guy I've been with, so I don't know what the deal is but I do know it has to stop. I'll be starting classes again at the end of the month, so that's good. I'm also gonna check in with my Cathe group more often, which is something I've been neglecting. AND I was thinking about taking Zumba 2 nights a week to unwind, do something fun, and meet some new people. There's a fitness facility near me that offers women-only classes, and they have a ton of them. It's $32/month, so if I did Zumba twice a week, that comes to $4 a class which is pretty decent. It's also offered at the high school by me 1 night a week; there was no membership info so I emailed the instructor to see what the deal is and if it's cheaper then I'll do that one. I just need to find an outlet that isn't DA...

So that is the plan as of now. I think it sounds pretty good. Fingers crossed it works out and I actually stick with it ;)