Playing Catch Up

Consider this fair warning: this is gonna be long. REALLY long. I'm in a diarrhea-of-the-keyboard kind of mood, plus I have a lot to catch up on...

Winter break is finally here! Not that we get much of a break: 2 weeks to be exact, but hell I will take it. I'm still on academic probation from the C in anatomy that I "earned" over the summer, but hopefully I will bring my GPA up at the end of this term. The semester technically doesn't end until mid January (we have weird modules at my school), so I still have 4 classes to finish out. Knock on wood, I'm doing pretty well in all of them so hopefully I can swing this. We have until the end of Spring semester in May to bring it up to a 3.0, but I'd like to do it before then so I can breathe. I'm at a 2.92 cumulative right now. I can do this! I just need to bust my ass for the next 3 weeks to pull myself out.

As far as the weight loss effort goes, I still sit with the 15 pound weight gain I mentioned from the last time I checked in. I'm not happy, especially because my workouts are really suffering from the extra chub being carried around. I saw a huge impact in my HIIT performance: not sure if that's because I was finally able to start doing them again just 2 months ago after a long hiatus (re: big bad ankle injury) or because I'm fat. I'm thinking it's a little of both. My workouts at school have been surprisingly decent, in the sense that I get in at least 5 a week. But no amount of working out can negate the crappy stuff I've been putting in my body. I'm a stress eater, and trust me, grad school is VERY stressful. I kinda underestimated what was behind this whole doctorate bit. But I do still feel like this is what I was meant to do, and I really love where I'm going and what I'm learning and I'm so happy I chose this profession. So there's a silver lining!

I'm still not over BFF and I'm doubtful that I ever will be, which is probably bad. When hurricane Sandy hit in October, I was talking to him on iChat and my best friend/roomie from school (we'll call her Amy) and I were drinking...which is probably not good when you're talking to someone you are in love with but aren't dating. She gets on my iPad and wrote something like "Why don't you wake up and be with me already?? We know we want each other. And plus I really miss you." I told him it was her, which he kinda figured, but then I said "...but she's right: I do miss you. A lot." And he said he missed me and wished I wasn't so far away and here comes the same old same old with the distance crap. That night I told myself to just get over it, be done! This is going nowhere and if this dude really has these strong feelings for me then he would do anything to be with me, not wait 3 fucking years to do something about it! I was doing pretty well for awhile. We still talked everyday but I was distancing my feelings. My aunt passed soon after then and he was the only one (besides Amy) who continuously checked in with me to see if I was ok. But still, I was doing great in that I wasn't being a typical girl, aka obsessing and worrying why we aren't together.

And then last week happened. First off, we were having problems with my landlady: ALL of us were (it's me, Amy, and 3 other roommates living in the house), but everyone I live with is so fucking scared to stand up for themselves even though we are totally in the right. I'll be damned if I sit back and let someone take advantage of me the way she was trying to, so I spoke up. I was telling BFF all about it and he had me forward my lease and he took time out of his day to review the terms and have other people at is job look at it for me as well. In the midst of all this, I was also having problems with 1 of my roommates because he had a party that got waaaaay out of control. I don't mind loud obnoxious parties, but when your drunk dirt bag friend keeps trying to get in my bed with me and I bring it to your attention to get his ass out and you do NOTHING, then we have issues. Not to mention, his friends ate all of my food in the fridge and I'm living pretty much 100% off loans so that shit ain't cheap. His cowardly ass didn't even address the issue OR apologize for any of it; in fact, he tried making ME feel bad for being pissed off. Amy had issues with him too, so we were having a house meeting and I told BFF about it beforehand. It lasted until about 10 o'clock and of course turned into a huge blowout, so of course I call BFF:
Me: Hey, so we just had our house meeting and nothing got accomplished. Except the fact that we established, once again, that I'm the bitch of the house.
BFF: That's not good.
Me: What's wrong? You sound shot.
BFF:I'm just really tired and not feeling well. I took nighttime stuff so I'm gonna probably pass out. I was just about to go to bed.
Me: Oh, sorry I didn't mean to call you when you were trying to sleep.
BFF: No, I don't mind. I told you before, I wanted to hear what happened with your house meeting and I meant that. So tell me the whole thing.

So yeah, because he was actually going out of his way to be supportive like any friend should be, stupid me goes and falls for him again. But in all honesty, this needs to stop. I've decided 2 things: 1) I will never get over this guy but 2) I can't force him out my life. I don't have many people I trust or confide in, so he is a rarity. I need people like him around me who always have my back and never ask questions, people who don't judge me for doing or saying stupid things. People who actually love and respect me. And you know what, if all I'm gonna be to him for the rest of our lives is a best friend, then I will take that over not having him at all. It sucks, but really, not having him in my corner would suck even more. I just need to open my eyes to who else is out there.

Still there?? ;)

Today I was decorating for Christmas with my mom and I found DA's stocking from last year. The sight of it, despite it having a cute Rudolph and Santa scene, made me want to punch a kitten. I can honestly say, I despise DA. Every thought of him makes my blood boil. I'm friends with all of my exes; despite who broke up with who, we wound up forgiving each other for whatever bullshit happened between us and let the past be the past. This one is different. I have never met a more malicious, fake, inconsiderate, egotistical piece of work in my life. EVER. I never disclosed the nitty gritty on exactly what went down between DA and I, mainly because I felt ashamed that I put up with his bullshit for as long as I did. I felt ashamed that I let someone treat me the way he did and defeat me the way he did: the way he broke me in so many ways and in so many pieces that now, 9 months later, I still question myself and my worth. And NO ONE should allow ANYONE to do that to them. I know a lot of young women read this blog, so maybe I can help them by sharing this crap. And if not, this will be therapeutic for me because I can finally get everything out.

DA and I started dating at the end of May 2011. I'd never tried online dating before and a few friends had some success with it so I figured what the hell. His profile sounded really good and he seemed like a genuinely good guy. I always asked myself how the hell is this guy single because it all sounded/seemed way too good to be true. Too bad it was. The first month was great. We had a lot of the same interests and tastes in food, music, activities, etc. We spent all of our free time together (I was off for the semester and as a promo model, I only work 3 days a week so I had ample free time). He was a freelancer for a history publication so he did all his work during the day, this way we had time to spend together in the late afternoon and evenings. I saw myself possibly getting serious with this guy towards the end of the first month, so I laid down the law right then and there because I didn't want to waste my time or his. The fact of the matter was I was applying to grad schools at the time, none of which were in our area. The closest school was over an hour away and wherever I went, I was gonna move there regardless. I asked what he thought of that and he said wherever I went, he wanted to come with me. He said he never dated anyone like me and would do anything for us to be together, especially because he could basically do his job from anywhere. He also told me that initially he wanted to go to grad school for international relations and his dream was to be in the CIA, but all that changed when he met me. He said he thought about everything and would much rather have a family and stable household, and you can't do that when you're in the line of work he originally wanted to do. He said his new passion was teaching and he was gonna pursue that. Great!

Fast forward two months after this and things changed big time. He couldn't give two shits if he pleased me, it was all about him. Our first major fight happened one day when we went out for lunch. He wanted to do lunch every week because he lived right by my school. I didn't want to spend the money, being a FT student and only having a PT job with car/insurance/tuition payments, and I even offered to bring lunch and we could still eat together at a park or something. He insisted he didn't mind and wanted to "take care of" me. Well lo and behold his true colors came out that one day after lunch where he blew up at me because I didn't offer to pay and he screamed "You know what, it would be really great if you could pick up the check once in awhile!!!!!!" I was floored. But stupid. Because I believed this wasn't him, this wasn't who I started dating 3 months ago. I kept rehashing what I read in his profile and who he claimed to be, coupled with the fact that my parents loved him and he and my brother had gotten really close. Maybe I was just overreacting.

Things got progressively worse. I found out that his "journalism career" was just writing for a bullshit blog on the internet. Eventually he got a new job as an intake coordinator at a homeless shelter. Also, I'm not one for expensive Christmas gifts, but I am a sucker for meaningful ones that come from the heart and have a lot of thought put into them. In the beginning of November, I found a signed vinyl copy of an album from one of his favorite bands online and I had it framed. It cost a pretty penny but I didn't care because I knew he would love it. I couldn't wait to give it to him. Christmas Eve, he texted me all like "Could you put my name on one of your presents to your brother? I didn't have time to get him a gift." Now, this was bullshit because he worked THREE days a week, all nights, meanwhile my schedule was beyond nuts and I still had time to shop for everyone. But again I made an excuse for him, thinking well he's a man and they always wait until the last minute to buy gifts. Christmas morning comes and he throws me a box (not wrapped) and an H&M bag (also, none of its contents were wrapped). He got me a bottle of perfume and 2 scarves from H&M. Seriously?! This sounds so mean and I know it's not about the cost of the gifts but I knew he put zero effort into any of it. That was proven when I found the damn receipt on my dresser stating he bought everything at 6:30 PM Christmas Eve. I felt like a piece of shit and an afterthought. But dumbass stayed.

The next month, we were talking about finances and where we would live if I got into my top choice for school. He had everything planned and I was happy and really excited about it. Then, not even 2 hours later, he drops this bomb on me and says "Yeah well, I'm actually not gonna go with you when you move. I decided that's following your dream and not mine. You're not even letting me do what I want to do. When is it about ME? It's always all about you!!!!!! I wanted to be in the CIA and you told me no." Um, seriously?! Because last I recall YOU were the one saying how you wanted to go into teaching because it made more sense for someone with a family, not ME you fucking psycho (I'm shaking writing this right now because thinking about it makes me SO damn angry). And come on now let's be real: the CIA????? Seriously?! You're 28, grow the fuck up and get a reality check! The rest of the month was a nightmare. We had plans to spend the day in the city for my birthday and he stood me up: said he would come over at 4 and didn't get there until 6:30 without notifying me (meanwhile, BFF asked me to come over his place because he didn't want me to spend my bday alone and I said no I can't because DA is taking me out. What a douche I was). Then he had the balls to get mad at ME for being upset, telling me he didn't need to check in with me if he didn't feel like it and all he wanted to do was go out and have fun. Soooo sorry I ruined my birthday for you, DICK! All I remember that night was I had 4 pieces of pizza left over in my fridge and I didn't feel like going anywhere but the prince was hungry so he made sure to bite ALL of them without offering any to me (bastard didn't even eat all of the last one but his rat mouth was all over it), so I had no dinner that night. On my own fucking birthday.

The next weekend, I planned to go out with all of my friends for my birthday. DA said he would be by at 6:30; 6:25 I get a text "I'll call you in a few" so I knew he was fucking standing me up again. He claimed he didn't want to be around people and was depressed and just wanted to be alone. I get that, but you don't decide this 5 minutes before you're supposed to be somehwere. I was hysterical, but BFF came over early to catch up on things, pregame, and make me laugh so I would have fun on at least ONE of my birthday celebrations. We had so much fun that night. He called me and texted me every night after that to see how I was doing (which was more than DA did; he'd stopped calling me about a month before this went down and his texts dwindled down to almost nothing). The last week in January, BFF and I had our first "personal" convo; nothing bad or adulterous but the fact of the matter is, BFF is very private and stays away from dating/personal talk unless the other party mentions it, and even then he was very cryptic in how he dealt with stuff like that. And he hardly ever said what he was thinking in terms of compliments or what have you, so this convo really grounded me and solidified my trust and respect for him as a friend:
BFF: So, what's going on with you and DA?
Me: We are trying to fix things. He said he was really sorry for how he's been acting and is seeing a therapist about his depression (side note: I think this is a bald faced lie too, being that he claimed she only saw him 1x a week every 2 weeks).
BFF: Well, do what you want but I think you could do better.
Me: I don't want to leave him especially when he needs me the most. If he really is this depressed, I want to stand by him and help him out of it. This isn't him (again, we go back to what I thought he was all about and trying to fulfill what I read online, not paying attention to what was right in front of my fucking face).
BFF: I'm just saying you're an amazing girl with a lot to offer and shouldn't sell yourself short. You put up with way more shit than I do and you look better than me.

That got me thinking. Really hard. I had felt so beaten down that I thought I deserved to be treated the way DA was treating me. I wasn't happy. I spent most of my days crying because DA never texted me or spent any time with me anymore. He would spend 1 night with me and expect me to get on my hands and knees and thank God that he decided to give me the time of day. But part of me believed the depression BS, so I told myself I would stick it out for awhile. I bought tickets to Florida to see my family for spring break and he was coming and still owed me money, so I figured let's see how things go for the next month.

Didn't even take a month for me to realize the true douchiness of this kid. He didn't get me shit for Valentine's Day, not even a card. Meanwhile, I had a basket of his favorite cookies sent to his house. Also, we were supposed to have lunch together that day since he was working at night but he "forgot." He worked an overnight shift one Saturday night but said he would come to my house when he got out Sunday morning just to see me. I woke up early to workout, then had breakfast waiting for him. He was supposed to be there at 7:30 AM. 8:30 comes and I haven't heard shit so I start calling and texting him with no response. Now I'm freaking out and thinking he fell asleep at the wheel and he's in the hospital, so I'm calling hospitals. Finally at 4:30 I get a lame text, all like "I was tired so I went home and passed out" but again, I'm the bitch for being mad that he didn't let me know. Ironically enough, BFF was on his way home from a weekend trip that same day and was gonna stop by to pick some files up from me but HE was too tired and actually CALLED me to tell me he wasn't gonna be able to drop by. That's what a real person does who gives a fuck about people other than himself.

That's when I knew I was done. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was tired of putting all this effort into something that was beyond fixable because the other party was too fucking selfish to help fix anything. We did wind up going to Florida that weekend but I kept my distance from him. Shit hit the fan on the last day when he turned to me and said "Babe, if you went to school down here, I would totally quit my job and come here to live with you." That's when I saw red and lost it. I told him to stop blowing smoke up my ass and telling me things he had NO intentions on fulfilling. I told him he was bullshit and I was tired of it and that I refused to spend the rest of my life wondering if what he said was real or just something to make himself look good and/or placate me. I'm too good for stupid fucking games. I broke up with him the weekend we got back home.

He's made lame ass attempts to contact me since then with stupid texts claiming how he wants me in his life and misses me and "loves me with all [his] heart." Please. You don't treat someone you love like that. I finally blocked him from contacting my phone. A few weeks ago, Amy and I were trolling on the dating site I met him on and we found him. His profile spews the same too-good-to-be-true bullshit that got me hooked in the first place and the only thing I could think of was the poor girl who starts talking to him and how I wish I could put a stamp on his page all like "don't believe a word that comes out of this asshole's mouth."

I don't even know why he affected me as much as he did. I wish I had seen the signs and broken up with him sooner. I don't know why I let other people and their impression of him dictate my actions and my putting up with bullshit that I didn't deserve. I want to start dating again, but I will tell you one thing: it'll be a long time before I ever do the online thing ever again. For now, I'm perfectly fine with going out and meeting guys in their flesh and blood. Guys that aren't sociopaths; not that everyone who uses these online dating sites are sociopaths, but DA definitely was. For his sake, I really do hope that he is seeing a therapist because he definitely needs it.

Phew I feel better.