UGHHHHHHHHH

My mom came home the other day telling me about a convo she had with her friend. This woman was telling her how great it is to be a grandmother, she loves it, blah blah blah, and my mom says to me "I said 'I don't even KNOW if I will ever be a grandma because my kids aren't even close to that point'." HELLO stress!! I got really defensive and I told her "Please stop saying stuff like this, cuz I already feel horrible about it as it is." Then my dad chimes in "Don't feel bad for us; I don't need to deal with little kids right now." Thanks dad, but I wasn't talking about YOU, I was talking about ME. I just feel like I'm so far behind everyone. I am a big proponent of not putting yourself on a time line and saying "I need to do this by this age, this by this age..." I think that once you're ready, that's when you're supposed to do XYZ. BUT, seeing my friends get married and start families does make me feel bad sometimes because I am not even close to having that. I'm totally changing my life for poop's sake, and that is going to take at least 5 years!

I guess the main idea here is, the way my life is now and with my job situation, do I really want to bring kids into the equation? Financially speaking, it's impossible. Realistically speaking, all finances aside, it would be unfair to my potential kids because I am SO incredibly unhappy with my life right now because of my job, and I don't want my children growing up in an unhealthy environment. I can barely take care of my own emotional needs, how could I care for someone else's?

I have to admit, when I read People or any celebrity magazine and they say so-and-so gave birth or so-and-so's kid is this old, I have to look at how old so-and-so is just to be able to say I still have time to start a family. I don't think I'm too old and when I am ready, I don't think that will be too old either. I just can't stand all the pressure and with the holidays around the corner, I am really dreading to hear what everyone has to say about this school/putting off "life" thing. OI!

The good thing though is rather than rush to a carton of ice cream, I dealt with my feelings. I didn't binge, I didn't run to the gas station to get some candy (although it did cross my mind, I ain't gonna lie), but I really just thought about what was going on. Doesn't help that last night I probably ate 400 more calories than I should have but that was due out of sincere hunger and not emotion. We will deal with that later. Right now though, the emotional eating got defeated and that is a good sign!