Off the Deep End

UGH. So I went off the challenge this week: big time. I think I stuck to my goal maybe 2 days out of 7? And I felt so incredibly lazy; as you can see from my workout page, I only did 2 workouts this week. Last night, I binged (2nd binge this week, ugh), and I don't even know if I was hungry since I didn't give myself any time to assess. I did know I was stressed though. So this morning I really sat and thought to myself "What made me get so out of control this week?" I mean, I had been doing really well the weeks before and I was totally motivated to stick to this Columbus Day Challenge. I was even excited about it (I know right, someone excited about giving up sugar?! I really might need my head examined). So what made me fall so far off course?

First of course I blamed Mother Nature's "gift." Nothing good comes from that (well, except of course since it means I'm not preggo, knock on wood, which I really couldn't handle at this point in my life), but that wasn't it. Like I said in one of my earlier posts, I don't remember the last time I felt as miserable, moody, and needing to comfort myself as much as I did this week. Then I had my AH-HA moment and knew what was to blame: the hell hole, aka WORK.

My job is super stressful. Well, actually, the job itself isn't too stressful and I'm really good at it, it's just that the people I work for are not the most accommodating, understanding people. In fact, it's miserable working there. I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it really does. I hate waking up in the morning and going there; I get put on ridiculous deadlines where an assignment I'm given today pretty much was due yesterday; I get blamed for other people's mistakes; Oh yeah and I got a $10K paycut so I'm making less than what I was when I started 3 years ago, although now I am doing the work of 4 people. It really just flat out sucks because this is what I deal with 9 hrs a day, 5 days a week. Things that happened this week just got to me, so when I came home I would be exhausted and just lay around and eat, and what I was eating wasn't really the best food for me but it's what I craved (I think I read somewhere when you're stressed, your body releases Cortisol so your cravings kick in, esp for carbs? Maybe that's what was going on??). Anyway, yesterday something happened that was totally out of my control and my job is all bitter about it. Again, I don't know why I let it get to me but it makes my blood boil SO much, knowing how they have 0 loyalty to their staff and will drop you for one small stupid thing. I just crumpled under all the stress and I ate...A LOT: fried calamari, grilled fish, grilled veggies, some fruit, m&ms, chocolate cake, an ice cream sandwich, and an ice cream sundae (like how I put all the healthy stuff at the beginning lol? that was totally unintentional, btw). I probably clocked in easily at 2500 cals or so but I was so overwhelmed, I didn't even count one single thing.

I know I need to work on controlling my stress levels and how I handle them. Maybe if I had just taken a breath and reflected on what I was feeling before reaching for the ice cream I would've had more control over what I was eating. Or maybe if I had actually taken the time to write down my meals, I would have felt more in control and not eaten as much as I had or felt so overwhelmed with everything that was going on. Again, being a type-A sometimes is a curse...

The good news is I am down to 3 mos until I am officially DONE and school starts (which will bring on a whole other stress level but I'm ready for it). I just want out of this toxic environment so badly. I don't know how people can endure things like this for their entire lives. I know so many people who are just as, if not more, miserable than I am with their jobs and they stick it out cuz "you can't start all over this late." I have to, I NEED to: for my health and my sanity. I can't subject myself to living this way for the next 40 years. It's just not fair to ME. This is my life, no one else's.

Now whenever I think of how my company is treating me and second-guessing my career change, I think of this song. My favorite part is below and is totally motivating.

All my life
I’ve tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
"King of Anything," Sara Bareilles