Day 6

I can't sleep. My mind and body are exhausted, but I can't stop thinking about everything that is going on. We got back from VT today. I wasn't that happy about coming home, mainly because it meant it was back to the same old, same old with DA and I...which basically means hardly ever seeing each other. His work schedule is kind of nuts, so while we do see each other 3-4 days a week, it's only for a couple of hours at a time. And it sucks. I miss the way things were over the summer: how we would see each other maybe not everyday but when we did spend time together, it was a shit load of time. I miss spending the whole day with him, doing stupid crap like indoor picnics or going to Flat Rock or just hanging out, and then staying up talking until 5AM. We don't hang out as much and don't talk as much as I'd like to and it's causing a huge disconnect which REALLY sucks. When we do spend time together, I am SO happy and I love every minute of it. He's starting a relatively normal schedule hopefully soon, so I'm praying to God we can work on things and make them better. All I know is that what we have now is killing me and I hate feeling like this.

Then there's the school issue. I am completely and utterly terrified about what's going to happen if I don't get in anywhere. People tell me there is no way that will happen but you know what? It IS possible. Just like choice #1: when I applied and was stressing, how many times did I hear "You will definitely get in. You have nothing to worry about"? I think that is part of the reason why I feel like a failure because I DIDN'T get in. If people had just said something different, I dunno like "If they don't accept you, they don't deserve you," I might feel a little better about it. But things in life aren't always peachy keen. I'm tired of people telling me everything is going to be fine, it will all work out cuz what if it doesn't? I hate to be pessimistic but at the same time, you have to be realistic as well. I know they mean well and are trying to make me feel assured, but all I want people to do is help me think of alternatives or just make me laugh. I called one of my best friends today (in the middle of a meltdown...shocker) and he told me that my rejection was God's way of telling me I need to stay local and party with him more. He also told me about how he got kicked out of his 1st college and is still ok, and for some weird reason that made me feel somewhat better. Sometimes I just think that while I still feel PT is my calling and my dream, I'm a fool for quitting a FT job with straight salary and benefits. Where am I now? Broke with no health insurance and no job. It sucks. I really have no clue what I will do if I can't start the DPT this year. Maybe I will look into a PTA degree; I guess I can do the accelerated program and be done in a little over a year. Shitty thing is, eventually I will want to get my DPT and none of the PTA credits will count towards it (which I don't get) and the pay isn't that great. I also thought of going back to training, maybe at one of the smaller gyms up here. I don't know. My head is just one huge mass of confusion right now and I have fleeting thoughts constantly. I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes.

Now let's move on to something positive. I worked out while we were away (yay!!!) and did yoga tonight. Yoga is actually very relaxing. I never liked it, but the 2 yoga workouts in Cathe's LIS are AWESOME. Of course, she could have a DVD on watching paint dry and I would probably love it. I really can't get into any other instructor the way I get into her workouts. She is just freakin awesome.

I also decided to change my incentive plan. I will still stick to the 3 goals every day, but I'm gonna make a weight loss goal instead of just following the 3 things on my list. So, with a 5lb loss, I will get my nail polish; a 10lb-er gets me an Oxygen mag subscription; and a 15lb-er gets me a massage. I could go for a massage right now. Or a mud bath. I've always wanted one of those. Hell, maybe if I reach my 20lb goal, I will treat myself to a spa day. Then again, I'd need to get another job for that :(