Futility

My eating has been a train wreck ever since Friday. After my post last week, I was doing really well:no late night eating, on point with the calories/macros, and hardly any sweets. But then Friday came and so did my A&P final, and things were all downhill from there. I walked out of there feeling SO confident that I did well, especially considering I had been studying for weeks NONSTOP for this thing, only to find out that afternoon that I got a 75 on it. A seventy-fucking-five. See, this is one of the things that frustrated me about that class: I have never taken a course where you think you do really well on an exam only to find out you bombed it all because of the way the questions were worded. I remember one question was like "What is the most important part of the circulatory system?" You'd think the answer was heart but nope, that wasn't even a choice. I was torn between capillaries (where all the gas exchange occurs) or arteries (because if they're blocked up the wazoo, blood ain't getting anywhere). See what I mean? DUMB.

Anyway, that set the tone for the ENTIRE weekend. While I didn't eat too terribly Friday, I did go over my calories. Saturday, I went out for my friend's birthday in the city that included dinner and a lot of drinking; Sunday was Mother's Day and that was the whammy of the whole weekend because I stuffed myself silly. So silly that I was totally disgusted with myself. Yesterday I was good until nighttime and that's when shit hit the fan. We had leftover cake and ice cream in the house and I ate BOTH. God, why do I do this to myself?! It's so sickening and I really hate that I can't control it!

Oh yeah and let's add to the fact that it's TOTM; when I was on BC, it was tolerable because I didn't have crazy symptoms like I do when I'm off of it. Now that's I'm off the hormones, I'm so incredibly bloated and starving all the time with bad cramps. UGHHHH. Aren't I a bundle of energy today?!

I really need to get myself back on the wagon...seriously. This is gonna end in disaster if I don't get a grip! I know I can do it, I just have to put the effort and energy into it. Once it becomes part of my lifestyle, it does get easier (yes, I've actually been in a place where I could control this beast); I just have to get there first.