Tough Times

I'm feeling defeated...again. I don't know what my problem is but the funk is creeping in once more. Last night I binged big time. Probably went about 800 calories over my limit which is not even funny because I know this is keeping me from my goal. I'm also starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and lonely again which is never fun. The other day I had a somewhat argument with my mom over moving to the island: the gist of it was since I'll be moving on a Saturday, that means one less day they can spend on the boat so most likely they won't be helping me...oh but she will help pay for the U-haul. God, I dunno, I just felt like such a low piece of shit at that moment and the more I think about it, the worse I feel. I don't ask for much; my parents help me A LOT and I'm beyond appreciative for that. I'd like to think I help out when I can and especially if they needed me for one day, I would have no qualms about ditching whatever I needed to do to help out. Then she was like "Ask your father; he'll probably do anything for the princess," but you know what, just the attitude I got made me feel like I'm just gonna do this move all on my own.

To add fuel to the fire, later that night I got to hear all about how DA was supposed to be her son-in-law and that made me feel even more like shit. I'm sorry I broke up with someone who made me feel like ass; I'm sorry I ditched someone who plummeted my self-esteem to the point where I didn't want to get out of bed, not to mention whose piss-poor attitude and neglect affected my grades in school. Thanks for the support. I just don't get it. That's two people (mom & DA) who were supposed to be in my corner, who I did everything for and loved with all my heart and SHOWED it: two people who ditched me when I needed them most. And this is why I can't be in another relationship now as much as I'd like to be. I just have too much shit going on in my head and too much self-doubt, plus I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them which is unfortunate and not a good way to live. The one thing I am thankful for is my best friend who has always been there for me at the drop of a dime. As soon as I told him what happened, he was all ready to try and change his schedule with his own family to help me out. Granted, he has tons of stuff going on that weekend so he's not sure if he can be there but just the fact that he is trying to work something out means the world to me: not to mention that HE offered to help, I didn't even ask. When I sat back and thought about it, he has really had my back for the past 6 years. He is the only person in my life who actually drops his own shit to be there for me. In fact, he's treated me better than any boyfriend EVER has which makes his proposition so much harder to decide upon. Fact is, I can't drag this kid into my world of drama any deeper than I already have and if we started dating now, it would just ruin things because I know I would be a megabitch and take stuff out on him that is running through my head because of all the issues that were/are going on. Add to that the distance thing with me going to the island and it's just not a good situation. ARG.