Day 1...AGAIN

These past 2 months have been hard...REALLY hard: emotion-wise and weight-wise. For one thing, I regained the 10 pounds I lost from doing P90X and then another 5. BLAH. So yeah the freshman 15 came on in a matter of 8 weeks which is so NOT cool. I'm super pissed at myself too because I was seeing amazing results from P90X: I had a 4-pack stomach (never saw an ab muscle in my life), I had what was beginning to look like guns, and my legs were finally looking toned. All that was shot to shit though once I felt like I was getting swallowed whole by my course load and roommate situation.

It's not even that I was taking a lot of classes. I had 2: Human Anatomy and Foundations of PT. The Foundations class was really easy and pretty fun. I didn't even study for the final and I got a 95. Anatomy on the other hand was a complete mind fuck. We had class for 5 hours a day, every day. So much material was encompassed in such a small period of time that my head felt like it was gonna explode every.single.DAY. I would wake up, workout, then study - then go to class, come home, and study some more. I even stopped working events on the weekends so I could study. Not like it mattered because I wound up getting a fucking C in the course and had a breakdown Tuesday night because of it. I felt like a failure. I felt like maybe I wasn't meant to be a PT and I'm too stupid for this doctorate deal. My classmate yelled at me for being ridiculous, as did my roommate, and reminded me that all that really matters is that I pass, get my degree, and pass the boards in 3 years. And they are right. Again we revisit the whole thing with me trying to be perfect and not being happy with what I actually AM capable of. I dunno, I've never been one to settle for a bad grade just for the sake of passing. But on the other hand, I really tried my best and I DID pass after all so I guess it's better than failing out of the program or not trying as hard as I can and THEN settling for a shit grade. UGH!! This is way more stressful than I ever anticipated.

The good thing is that this semester, most of our classes are PT-related so I'm excited about that. The course load is ginormous so I really need to start planning to accomplish all of this. I have a big problem with planning apparently and that seems to be derailing a lot of my efforts.

Yeah so with that stress came eating, eating, and more eating. No planning. One of my roommates and I love to treat ourselves and sometimes it's excessive. It used to be ice cream once a week and that turned into 3 or 4 times a week. Not cool. Cookies, candy, cake...you name it, we bought it and ate it...a lot of it! The irony of the matter is that while I stuffed my face with all this crap, I didn't even feel good about it. I ate it so fast that I didn't even taste it. I would wake up the next morning in a sugar/carb coma. I felt like ass, but I would repeat the cycle the next day. And for what? Because I deserved a "treat???" Bullshit. I'm not a dog, I shouldn't be rewarding myself with food. And in actuality, it's a hindrance, not a reward at all. The first month I was here, I ate so healthy and I felt AMAZING so why I abused myself with processed packaged shit is beyond me.

So here we go again! Day 1 of eating better and taking care of myself. This is not only for my body but for my mind as well. It will make me feel better mentally and physically, I just know it. And planning is key!! I also need to check in on here more often because if I blog I feel like I can release a lot of frustration and refocus.

Speaking of frustration, BFF and I had a convo Monday night. Nothing new, I just got to hear the same old "I'm in love with you but can't be with you because of the distance" shit. He said he is surprised someone as "amazing" as me is/was ever interested in him. Then he said he thinks I'm "gorgeous." I have to admit, it's weird hearing mushy stuff come from him because he is so NOT the romantic, sentimental type. I don't get how if all you want is to be with me and you blatantly told me that you compare all the women you date to me and wind up breaking up with them because they're NOT me, then why are you writing this thing off without even trying? He said if he ever lost me as a friend he would be lost because he doesn't trust anyone like he trusts me, which I get but at the same time not all breakups are bad unless you royally dick me over. I'm still friends with 2 of my exes because we ended things amicably. I'm not really sad about it because I'm not forcing him to be with me, but at the same time it is annoying and I think it's DUMB. Anyway, I'm going home tonight to see my family and he is coming out with us on the boat tomorrow so this should be interesting. It always is! Oh yeah and update: apparently BFF was hurt when he found out I was seeing MMA boy (which is totally and completely over, btw. I deleted his # because of some bullshit he pulled last weekend which is still pissing me off so I'm not gonna even address it here). I was like "So you can date but I can't?" and he goes "I'm not saying that, I'm just saying that I didn't like it." Um, well YOU had a girlfriend!! Friggin stupid.